IF YOU FORGET ME

My bud and I were together for his last days in manila. bittersweet. i was literally counting days and hours and minutes and seconds, each wink of an eye. more than sharing the days and nights together, i wanted us to talk. i wanted us to figure out just what we were doing. i know sometimes love and relationship are beyond words. there was no attempt to capture each moment. there was no attempt to process each thought. i guess it was bliss.

but the moments were fleeting and soon he left. far apart, it's different. far apart, your relationship rests in words. far apart, many things happen. far apart, the commitment made in words and shared analysis of thoughts keep the flame from fading out. far apart, you've got nothing to hold on to but the words in the promises you keep.

but there were no words. there were no promises. except for one which over generally says " we will meet again".

i wrote him poems and loveletters, teasing him out to start the process of talking and reflecting about our relationship. i wanted to know what will happen in his 2 or more years of studying abroad. i wanted to know what will happen to us. i wanted to predict what my hurting heart is going to tell me. it's a very painful process.

i wrote him the loveletter ( earlier post) but i couldn't send it to him. our relationship is that of something that could not be named, even between us. when you care for someone, you always think of how they'll feel. so i always ask myself. should i bother him in his difficult studies abroad just for this heart?

i didn't send him my loveletter, i sent him Pablo Neruda as my sweet surrender.

IF YOU FORGET ME

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.