IF YOU FORGET ME

My bud and I were together for his last days in manila. bittersweet. i was literally counting days and hours and minutes and seconds, each wink of an eye. more than sharing the days and nights together, i wanted us to talk. i wanted us to figure out just what we were doing. i know sometimes love and relationship are beyond words. there was no attempt to capture each moment. there was no attempt to process each thought. i guess it was bliss.

but the moments were fleeting and soon he left. far apart, it's different. far apart, your relationship rests in words. far apart, many things happen. far apart, the commitment made in words and shared analysis of thoughts keep the flame from fading out. far apart, you've got nothing to hold on to but the words in the promises you keep.

but there were no words. there were no promises. except for one which over generally says " we will meet again".

i wrote him poems and loveletters, teasing him out to start the process of talking and reflecting about our relationship. i wanted to know what will happen in his 2 or more years of studying abroad. i wanted to know what will happen to us. i wanted to predict what my hurting heart is going to tell me. it's a very painful process.

i wrote him the loveletter ( earlier post) but i couldn't send it to him. our relationship is that of something that could not be named, even between us. when you care for someone, you always think of how they'll feel. so i always ask myself. should i bother him in his difficult studies abroad just for this heart?

i didn't send him my loveletter, i sent him Pablo Neruda as my sweet surrender.

IF YOU FORGET ME

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

a loveletter

my love,

i'm seeing someone now. it's been a while since you left to study abroad. what happens to the love i promised you? i don't know. Am i being unfaithful? i guess i am. have i already forgotten about you? i guess, i'm really trying hard to.

mylove,

you told me many times that we are not for each other. we are men. we can never be together. you told me you were just thinking of what was best for both of us. you told me, as a asked you many times, that you love me but fraternally. you told me i'm the best of friend you've ever had. you told me that indeed i love you and i loved you more than the way you were loved by your ex-girlfriend.

but you told me to look for another one. you wished that i find true love and happiness. i told you, you are my one love and my true happiness. you did not reply. you chose to change the topic of our conversation. i guess you were thinking i were a fool or you were so good looking i just can't let you go. you are right except for the 'or'. i am crazy for you. and yes, you are the most gorgeous guy in my entire world that revolves around you.

my love,

i told you i totally understand our situation. i totally understand us. we just can't go out holding hands and celebrate the happiest best thing that can ever happen to a human with a heart. I told you and i said it is okay but you just wont tell me you love me, not fraternally. i don't understand that while we've shared bed, while we've shared passionate kisses, while we've slept and waken up holding each others hand or tied in a hug, while many times our bodies ceased to be seperate and moved as an organic one, we always ended up not talking about it.

my love,

i could have crushed your every argument. i could have shamed you for each of your belief. i could have rubbed the stain in my bed in your face. the creation of our very first night, the stain, your stain. but i just didn't. i just couldn't. i love you this much but i can't seem to know where to start to understand.

my love,

i'm seeing someone now. isn't that what you've always wanted me to do? have i forgotten you? i'm trying really really hard.

play stupid

recent thoughts: it's fun to play stupid sometimes: other people get to think that they are smart for a change.

so friends, don't you play stupid with me. hahaha. and it's not gonna be a change for me to feel smart. i am. ha.

one catch of this game is that the person you will play stupid with should be a stranger. otherwise, you already know what happens. and before that, you must be smart in the first place. otherwise, you will have to play a very different and difficult game, play smart.

so this game is best played with people who are new acquaintances. say, somebody you meet in a social networking site, like friendster, multiply, my space, facebook, and g4m, etc. also, some new people that are newly introduced by a common friend, just make sure that your common friend hasn't given out your resume yet.

what will you learn from this game? one, that it is cool to manipulate people. and people who do it good are really geniuses of their own rights. that's why, two, this game can be so addictive. sometimes, we really can blame people fr doing what their doing, like playing stupid. three, you have encountered so much stupidity in your life, or so many stupid non-thinking human beings, that you can actually portray them or act out such situations. four, if you are not caught, it means you are smarter than the other person, or you really played your game well. also, maybe that person has been to blinded by something else that made him/her an easy prey. what number is it,oh, five, it's difficult to be stupid so we ought to save some sympathy for those who really are.

there are a lot more to learn based on your own experiences, add it here. will yah!

disclaimer, this is the bad person in me. i'm usually well mannered. i don't bloody speak my mind out in person. i keep it for posting, like this. hehehe

starter

in the internet, you can assume a different identity, you can create another person. many identities or many persons. it gives freedom to some. avenue for creativity for others.

thoughts that are otherwise awkward to express in the real person are the thoughts that find home here.