rooting for vince

yesterday, i met this guy. his name is vince.

at first, i didn't find anything interesting about him. i even ignored him as he passed by the spa's wet room entrance. but i saw him again inside the sauna where we were alone together. and at a closer look, i thought he charmed me. i noticed first his emo hairstyle. his hair was still short and he seem to have recently had his hair cut. closer, i noticed the newly growing beard and mustache. the short hair were distinct because of his very clear face. i was practically staring at him. but i was at the same time cautious. it's embarrassing to be caught staring at someone in a very hot room where both of you are a towel away from being naked.

suddenly, he went out of the sauna room. then, i thought it was over.nothing from nothing. i went out too, the heat was starting to be unbearable. i took a plunge at the pool. swam two lapses. tried to relax, and floated on my back. forgot about the guy in the sauna.

as a routine, hot to cold to hot to cold (haha), i went back to the sauna room. he was there again. alone. there weren't many people during that day. we were just quite all the while.i think we were both waiting for somebody to first the silence and start the conversation. it's just awkward when you know that you are both conscious of each other, both of you caught each other staring, but still keep silent in a room where no one else is around. just you two. in my mind, i was just thinking of anything sensible to say. hurry up brain, give me a good punchline, i was thinking.

suddenly, he broke the silence. he asked if the water was cold in the pool. like a dumbass, i didn't know what to say. finally, after making a sense of the question, i answered that i was fine. the pool i swam was the most moderate in temperature.

we exchanged some questions: have you had your massage? where are you from? are you working or still in school? do you come here often? and stuff. but still there was this strange feeling. nobody bothered to ask about the other person's name.

Then, another set of silence. He went out. I went out too. He was heading to the drinking station to refill his glass. i was too. there, i finally asked for his name. He said his name is Vince. I don't know if that is really his name or just a name for the day. i was gonna create another name, but i what came out my mouth was my real name. I'm _____ ( not marcus), i said. It was my real name but i don't think it would matter, who would know it it was indead. he extended his hand, and i shook it, Vince, i said again.

i feel a nice guy in him. he's a bit shy. he's a loner i thought. i had to make the move. but it didn't. automatically my feet followed where ever he went. shower room, beside the pool, back to sauna, drinking station. some chit chat.

then, he said he was going to shower. i was reading his statement differently. i followed him to the shower, but i took the cubicle next to his. i wanted to ask him if we could share the same shower. but i didn't. in my mind, i was already sliding my hands over his tummy from his back. in my mind, i could feel the our skin brushing under the gushing of water from the shower. in my mind, we were holding each other. in my mind, we paused a while to look at each other, a precursor to a passionate kiss. but i didn't say the words, can we share a shower. he didn't too. so this things just wandered there in my mind.

i dont know if he had a thing for me too. the insecure in me is just a little assured because he started the conversation. the pervert in me is much a ssured as i saw him having an erection while he's eyes were hot on me.

i wanted to be aggressive but it was not my nature. i wanted to propose indecently but something was pulling me back. we had the same apprehensions, maybe.

time run out on me. suddenly, he was off for his massage. in my mind, i was waiting for an oppurtunity to tell him it was a pleasure hanging around with him. in my mind, i was wishing we would see each other again. i had the courage to say, but it was a courage late, he already left.

now, i regret. now i'm rooting for vince. but i think it's almost impossible to see him again.

oh well, it feels good to be feeling something like this again. my heart. haha

same feathers

i just find it amusing that there have been quite a number of g4m that i personally know. some from my school in college, some even from my high school, some from my work, some i had acquaintances with. i had suspicions but really i never knew that we are of the same feather until i saw their profiles in g4m.

one in particular is my crush, haha, in highschool. man, that kid was hot, now he's even more, and he is out in g4m. he is still not out in our local community. he was not out with me. how can i tell him that i know? asking him about it will be the same as saying that i saw his profile in g4m ( for those whose still processing, means im also in g4m, means i'm of the same feather. i''m just trying to make sure that i deliver the point clear, hahaha). as you should know by now, í'm still keeping it discreet.

so, i really look up to those people who found the courage to be out. man, you know our world. there are many benefits of being out. one of the biggest is that you don't have to lie/pretend anymore. freedom. another is that, it will be easier to get hookups (hahaha). you get to show your pics if you are goodlooking or if you're not ( the type of the other person) then atleast you cut the wastage. friends can also help you find matches, since they already know. you can share with them your adventures, funny and stupid things. but for me, these advantages is still outweighted by the risks and redicule of being out.

but, honestly, i haven't given much thought on being out. and i'm really not afraid of what people will say. i dont care whatever people say, well most of the time. i also am not an advocate against gender and other forms of discrimination. only the stupid and uncreative and insecure resort to discrimination.

i think, more than anything else, i'm liking the adventure of being underground. i like the thought of not being in the mainstream. i like to be in a challenging field. otherwise, i will stop learning and growing, life will be boring. i don't fit under the "ácceptable" hetero thing. i'm gay but not homo. i have had it with both sexes. i'm bi but i'm discreet. i'm discreet but i'm not outrageous at night. hahaha.

i also generally dont go with labels. it's not fun to be defined. being labelled is being stagnant, being boxed. i'm continuously changing and ever evolving. tomorrow i'm a totally different person.

ah, this blog is going nowhere. hahha. i'll go to sleep now.