love of siam

i don't want to be an emo. but please excuse me this time.

finally, a closure. it's been a week since it happened. after a long time of no communication, i chanced with my "boyfriend" in ym. we spent hours of talking about just anything. suddenly, he said he misses his country so much. taking it as a cue, i asked him if he missed me. he didn't say yes nor no. all he said was, "let's forget about it." "Forget about the past," he said.

forget about our past. forget about what happened to us. forget about what we shared. it was a very fitting end to our hours long conversation. a conversation of nothing. an exchange of words just to avoid the thing that we ought to be talking. about us. about our relationship.

it didn't come without warning. it didn't come unexpectedly, but still it hurt.

he said it many times. he loves me. but he loves me no more than a brother, a very especial friend. he loves me but it was all that he could give.

he asked me to find my true love, my true happiness, a girl. he asked me to move on. but he never talked of what, move on from what?

now, he has spoken. he has acknowledged of a past. he had talked of the word we never spoke of. in a sweeping manner, he talked of my universe. he talked of the whole world that i've been living. in a very sweeping manner, he called it a past.

surely, my emotion last week was more than enough to move me into a deep thought. to reflect. to ponder. to try to understand. it was more than enough, in fact too much that i got lost in the train of thought. it was too much that i didn't know what i was feeling.

then, there came "love of siam" giving me a mirror of what has happened. it brought my thoughts back. it gave me understanding. finally, it gave me closure.

"i can't be with you as your boyfriend. but, it doesn't mean that i don't love you." love of siam ended with these lines. what followed after where just tears. i cried with mew.

receive and give

i went to the spa again. i wanted to relax. but really, i was hoping to see vince again. he was not there though. so, i thought i ought really to relax. work has been stressful recently. i've been really stressed even minus the school load (was still sem break).

so relaxed, i did. nobody was really interesting at the spa that time. dry sauna, sweat hard. swimming pool, sense killing coldness. warm jacuzzi, relaxingly makes me sleepy. if you really heighten your senses, you will get lost. you will be transported to a world of nothingness, a world of bliss. i wasn't conscious about my environment. i allowed my sense to carry me to a totally different world.

but not long after, this part is what you really wanna know, some guy was sharing the pool with me. he was gazing i know but i did not look back. i was pretending not to notice. after a while he was walking towards me. i just sat, ignoring him still. but he was walking towards me and the shallow pool soon revealed his pride, erect and angry. instantly, mine caught the fever. there was no more pretending, i had an erection and he was looking at it.

still, i tried to avoid him. he was a bit on the heavy side, i am more predispose to lean athletic guys. but he was not bad either, he was in fact good looking. i swam towards another direction but only to be followed and caught in a corner. so close by, he slid his hand and played with my erection. his other hand held mine and led it to his. i obliged. it was hard and full. mutual masturbation. he asked me to sit on him. i declined. he told me to suck him just once. i declined. i let go of his hard on and walked towards the shallow part of the pool. it was just a cool play.

no one else was at the pool area that time, privacy was not an issue. i would do the things he asked me, but i would do it with someone i love. make it less complicated, with someone i like and lust. lust may have driven me into that mutual favor but it did not drive me to the edge.

i went back to the dry sauna, to dry up and be alone again. but as just i was starting to sweat. the guy from the pool came in. he inched close to me, slid his hand under my towel, worked on and gave me an erection. he had the hots on me ( or maybe he was just horny). closer, i could feel his warm hard on brushing my legs as he moved. it felt good that i was feeling his hard while he has stroking mine. he went down on me. i lost control, the moisture and softness of his mouth was irresistible and heavenly inside the dry sauna. he was so gentle, he would nibble on my hard's head and roll his tongue. in routinely pleasurable manner he would suck me whole. in pleasure, i found myself caressing his hair, his ear, his cheek and his unshaven chin. i played with his ear as he leisurely sucked me.

the best part of it was the excitement when, i had to bid him to stop as i heard somebody approaching. he would stop and check if anyone was nearby. pure pleasure is sometimes best enjoyed in installments. sure the the area was clear, he would continue giving me the head while i play with his ear and my leg is brushing his hard. we were almost acting like lovers.

in the middle of this i heard somebody coming. just in time we composed ourselves, distanced ourselves. while people were there, i would go out and get a drink.

when we were on it again. some guy caught us. he signaled that it was okay and to continue what we were on. he was to keep guard. i did not like the idea of someone standing guard and watching me get sucked at the same time, it was just too kind a gesture, there's a catch. but that time, i wasn't ruled by reasoning. i was helluvahhell enjoying as he pleasured me, sliding his hand all over my body, kissing and sucking my nip occasionally. as he would pause, he would look at me and tell me how good i was, it fed my ego and at the same time sustained my lust. he was manly as he would say "ang sarap mo pare"; "akin ka na lang" in direct and unpretentious way. i just answered back with a smile and he got back on what he was doing, driving me to high heavens.

i was so full and ready to cum. but i didn't know if it was okay to cum in his mouth. i begged away and got myself another glass of water. plunged at the cold pool and effectively killed the hot blood in my system.

when i went back to the dry sauna, he was gone. i was still expecting him there to finish it off. he said he wanted to see me cum. but he already left. i haven't had the cum yet but i was okay. then came the man who gave us the favor of being our look out. he was in his forties, not at all good looking and he was edging me. i wanted to tell him, i owed him no favor, to go after the guy who went down on me and ask him to return the favor. but he was on me. i just scratched my head, i thought it coming. this is the catch: he was looking after us, so he could get on me next. dammit. i'm not a whore. but oh well, he seemed to be a nice guy. so down, he went on me. it felt different. you could know he was more experienced in sucking. after a time i begged off. went to the shower to wash off the saliva in my penis. liquid soap. plenty of it.

Finally, i was in my final leg of use of the wet room. soon i will be having my massage. i went to the jacuzzi. alone again, i let my senses take me to another world. i was already sleepy, i have been inside the wet room for more than an hour. most of my batch of goers were already having their massage. i stayed, it was not yet late, i was not i a hurry too, and i was still hoping to see vince.

apparently, it was not vince's day to go to the spa. i was resolved. no vince. so i closed my eyes and felt the bubbling and splashing of water in my back. i was lost again and my sense of touch was my whole world. suddenly, the spash of water changed as someone joined me in the jacuzzi. i opened my eyes to a guy sitting at the edge. he has carefully placing his towel to cover his groin, not wanting to expose a sensual skin, as he sat and dipped his feet on the warm jacuzzi. as i had already my fantastic time earlier, i did not bother, though i thought he was goodlooking. he was very manly and snobbish that i completely decided to ignore him.

went swimming again. when i got to the dry sauna, tha man at the jacuzzi was there alone. we were seated at far ends. nothing. i didn't even see him secretly look my way. i just closed my eyes. ignored him completely again. i had already a great time and was just waiting for my massage. then he went out. i followed him with my eyes. he walked towards the cold pool and he carefully hung his towel, i could just see his back and butt. nothing really striking, not even flawless. nothing enticing an erection. we were just to people who happened to share the same jacuzzi and the same dry sauna room. nothing else. no coincedence.

but it was totally a different picture when he has getting out of the cold pool. he was facing me and i was amazed by the curved of his very hard penis. it had a small head but the stem was bulged and perfectly curved, a perfect grip like a handle of a beer mug except that the handle was mighty huge.

he went back in the dry sauna room, conscious that i was on him while he got out of the cold pool. he was less conservative know, he would flash his curved erection, he would stare straight to my eyes, he would stroke his manhood infront of me. he was a definite tease! holysonofabitch! what did i do today, what did i do to be entice such a beautiful curve erection; how did i carry myself to have caused it? i already had a wonderful time earlier and i was just waiting for my massage.

i was getting crazy. he was definitely a killer goodlooking and was so snobbish at first, he had a wonderful built, manly bust, flat tummy, and a goddam curved erection. somebody save me. i'm saving myself for someone! my lips and tongue are sacred. i only service my man. oh man! and his staring again.

out i went and dived into the very cold pool, tried to forget. i was shivering. really cold. lustful thought got drowned in cold. haha, i succeeded. but why, oh why, do i have an erection! i already had a fantastic time and was just waiting for my massage. dammit, where is that man. bring him to me right now, i thought.

and the man was still there, in the same place inside the dry sauna. still as hard. after so many second thoughts, i sat beside him. asked if i could help him out. i slid my hand and got the grip.

oh, this story has gone so long. it was really a long spa day and i haven't event got my massage. but i must tell you he was sweet. sticky and sweet as honey. i'll think of telling you the rest, maybe next time.

rooting for vince

yesterday, i met this guy. his name is vince.

at first, i didn't find anything interesting about him. i even ignored him as he passed by the spa's wet room entrance. but i saw him again inside the sauna where we were alone together. and at a closer look, i thought he charmed me. i noticed first his emo hairstyle. his hair was still short and he seem to have recently had his hair cut. closer, i noticed the newly growing beard and mustache. the short hair were distinct because of his very clear face. i was practically staring at him. but i was at the same time cautious. it's embarrassing to be caught staring at someone in a very hot room where both of you are a towel away from being naked.

suddenly, he went out of the sauna room. then, i thought it was over.nothing from nothing. i went out too, the heat was starting to be unbearable. i took a plunge at the pool. swam two lapses. tried to relax, and floated on my back. forgot about the guy in the sauna.

as a routine, hot to cold to hot to cold (haha), i went back to the sauna room. he was there again. alone. there weren't many people during that day. we were just quite all the while.i think we were both waiting for somebody to first the silence and start the conversation. it's just awkward when you know that you are both conscious of each other, both of you caught each other staring, but still keep silent in a room where no one else is around. just you two. in my mind, i was just thinking of anything sensible to say. hurry up brain, give me a good punchline, i was thinking.

suddenly, he broke the silence. he asked if the water was cold in the pool. like a dumbass, i didn't know what to say. finally, after making a sense of the question, i answered that i was fine. the pool i swam was the most moderate in temperature.

we exchanged some questions: have you had your massage? where are you from? are you working or still in school? do you come here often? and stuff. but still there was this strange feeling. nobody bothered to ask about the other person's name.

Then, another set of silence. He went out. I went out too. He was heading to the drinking station to refill his glass. i was too. there, i finally asked for his name. He said his name is Vince. I don't know if that is really his name or just a name for the day. i was gonna create another name, but i what came out my mouth was my real name. I'm _____ ( not marcus), i said. It was my real name but i don't think it would matter, who would know it it was indead. he extended his hand, and i shook it, Vince, i said again.

i feel a nice guy in him. he's a bit shy. he's a loner i thought. i had to make the move. but it didn't. automatically my feet followed where ever he went. shower room, beside the pool, back to sauna, drinking station. some chit chat.

then, he said he was going to shower. i was reading his statement differently. i followed him to the shower, but i took the cubicle next to his. i wanted to ask him if we could share the same shower. but i didn't. in my mind, i was already sliding my hands over his tummy from his back. in my mind, i could feel the our skin brushing under the gushing of water from the shower. in my mind, we were holding each other. in my mind, we paused a while to look at each other, a precursor to a passionate kiss. but i didn't say the words, can we share a shower. he didn't too. so this things just wandered there in my mind.

i dont know if he had a thing for me too. the insecure in me is just a little assured because he started the conversation. the pervert in me is much a ssured as i saw him having an erection while he's eyes were hot on me.

i wanted to be aggressive but it was not my nature. i wanted to propose indecently but something was pulling me back. we had the same apprehensions, maybe.

time run out on me. suddenly, he was off for his massage. in my mind, i was waiting for an oppurtunity to tell him it was a pleasure hanging around with him. in my mind, i was wishing we would see each other again. i had the courage to say, but it was a courage late, he already left.

now, i regret. now i'm rooting for vince. but i think it's almost impossible to see him again.

oh well, it feels good to be feeling something like this again. my heart. haha

same feathers

i just find it amusing that there have been quite a number of g4m that i personally know. some from my school in college, some even from my high school, some from my work, some i had acquaintances with. i had suspicions but really i never knew that we are of the same feather until i saw their profiles in g4m.

one in particular is my crush, haha, in highschool. man, that kid was hot, now he's even more, and he is out in g4m. he is still not out in our local community. he was not out with me. how can i tell him that i know? asking him about it will be the same as saying that i saw his profile in g4m ( for those whose still processing, means im also in g4m, means i'm of the same feather. i''m just trying to make sure that i deliver the point clear, hahaha). as you should know by now, í'm still keeping it discreet.

so, i really look up to those people who found the courage to be out. man, you know our world. there are many benefits of being out. one of the biggest is that you don't have to lie/pretend anymore. freedom. another is that, it will be easier to get hookups (hahaha). you get to show your pics if you are goodlooking or if you're not ( the type of the other person) then atleast you cut the wastage. friends can also help you find matches, since they already know. you can share with them your adventures, funny and stupid things. but for me, these advantages is still outweighted by the risks and redicule of being out.

but, honestly, i haven't given much thought on being out. and i'm really not afraid of what people will say. i dont care whatever people say, well most of the time. i also am not an advocate against gender and other forms of discrimination. only the stupid and uncreative and insecure resort to discrimination.

i think, more than anything else, i'm liking the adventure of being underground. i like the thought of not being in the mainstream. i like to be in a challenging field. otherwise, i will stop learning and growing, life will be boring. i don't fit under the "ácceptable" hetero thing. i'm gay but not homo. i have had it with both sexes. i'm bi but i'm discreet. i'm discreet but i'm not outrageous at night. hahaha.

i also generally dont go with labels. it's not fun to be defined. being labelled is being stagnant, being boxed. i'm continuously changing and ever evolving. tomorrow i'm a totally different person.

ah, this blog is going nowhere. hahha. i'll go to sleep now.

IF YOU FORGET ME

My bud and I were together for his last days in manila. bittersweet. i was literally counting days and hours and minutes and seconds, each wink of an eye. more than sharing the days and nights together, i wanted us to talk. i wanted us to figure out just what we were doing. i know sometimes love and relationship are beyond words. there was no attempt to capture each moment. there was no attempt to process each thought. i guess it was bliss.

but the moments were fleeting and soon he left. far apart, it's different. far apart, your relationship rests in words. far apart, many things happen. far apart, the commitment made in words and shared analysis of thoughts keep the flame from fading out. far apart, you've got nothing to hold on to but the words in the promises you keep.

but there were no words. there were no promises. except for one which over generally says " we will meet again".

i wrote him poems and loveletters, teasing him out to start the process of talking and reflecting about our relationship. i wanted to know what will happen in his 2 or more years of studying abroad. i wanted to know what will happen to us. i wanted to predict what my hurting heart is going to tell me. it's a very painful process.

i wrote him the loveletter ( earlier post) but i couldn't send it to him. our relationship is that of something that could not be named, even between us. when you care for someone, you always think of how they'll feel. so i always ask myself. should i bother him in his difficult studies abroad just for this heart?

i didn't send him my loveletter, i sent him Pablo Neruda as my sweet surrender.

IF YOU FORGET ME

I want you to know
one thing.

You know how this is:
if I look
at the crystal moon, at the red branch
of the slow autumn at my window,
if I touch
near the fire
the impalpable ash
or the wrinkled body of the log,
everything carries me to you,
as if everything that exists,
aromas, light, metals,
were little boats
that sail
toward those isles of yours that wait for me.

Well, now,
if little by little you stop loving me
I shall stop loving you little by little.

If suddenly
you forget me
do not look for me,
for I shall already have forgotten you.

If you think it long and mad,
the wind of banners
that passes through my life,
and you decide
to leave me at the shore
of the heart where I have roots,
remember
that on that day,
at that hour,
I shall lift my arms
and my roots will set off
to seek another land.

But
if each day,
each hour,
you feel that you are destined for me
with implacable sweetness,
if each day a flower
climbs up to your lips to seek me,
ah my love, ah my own,
in me all that fire is repeated,
in me nothing is extinguished or forgotten,
my love feeds on your love, beloved,
and as long as you live it will be in your arms
without leaving mine.

a loveletter

my love,

i'm seeing someone now. it's been a while since you left to study abroad. what happens to the love i promised you? i don't know. Am i being unfaithful? i guess i am. have i already forgotten about you? i guess, i'm really trying hard to.

mylove,

you told me many times that we are not for each other. we are men. we can never be together. you told me you were just thinking of what was best for both of us. you told me, as a asked you many times, that you love me but fraternally. you told me i'm the best of friend you've ever had. you told me that indeed i love you and i loved you more than the way you were loved by your ex-girlfriend.

but you told me to look for another one. you wished that i find true love and happiness. i told you, you are my one love and my true happiness. you did not reply. you chose to change the topic of our conversation. i guess you were thinking i were a fool or you were so good looking i just can't let you go. you are right except for the 'or'. i am crazy for you. and yes, you are the most gorgeous guy in my entire world that revolves around you.

my love,

i told you i totally understand our situation. i totally understand us. we just can't go out holding hands and celebrate the happiest best thing that can ever happen to a human with a heart. I told you and i said it is okay but you just wont tell me you love me, not fraternally. i don't understand that while we've shared bed, while we've shared passionate kisses, while we've slept and waken up holding each others hand or tied in a hug, while many times our bodies ceased to be seperate and moved as an organic one, we always ended up not talking about it.

my love,

i could have crushed your every argument. i could have shamed you for each of your belief. i could have rubbed the stain in my bed in your face. the creation of our very first night, the stain, your stain. but i just didn't. i just couldn't. i love you this much but i can't seem to know where to start to understand.

my love,

i'm seeing someone now. isn't that what you've always wanted me to do? have i forgotten you? i'm trying really really hard.

play stupid

recent thoughts: it's fun to play stupid sometimes: other people get to think that they are smart for a change.

so friends, don't you play stupid with me. hahaha. and it's not gonna be a change for me to feel smart. i am. ha.

one catch of this game is that the person you will play stupid with should be a stranger. otherwise, you already know what happens. and before that, you must be smart in the first place. otherwise, you will have to play a very different and difficult game, play smart.

so this game is best played with people who are new acquaintances. say, somebody you meet in a social networking site, like friendster, multiply, my space, facebook, and g4m, etc. also, some new people that are newly introduced by a common friend, just make sure that your common friend hasn't given out your resume yet.

what will you learn from this game? one, that it is cool to manipulate people. and people who do it good are really geniuses of their own rights. that's why, two, this game can be so addictive. sometimes, we really can blame people fr doing what their doing, like playing stupid. three, you have encountered so much stupidity in your life, or so many stupid non-thinking human beings, that you can actually portray them or act out such situations. four, if you are not caught, it means you are smarter than the other person, or you really played your game well. also, maybe that person has been to blinded by something else that made him/her an easy prey. what number is it,oh, five, it's difficult to be stupid so we ought to save some sympathy for those who really are.

there are a lot more to learn based on your own experiences, add it here. will yah!

disclaimer, this is the bad person in me. i'm usually well mannered. i don't bloody speak my mind out in person. i keep it for posting, like this. hehehe